Patty feels a little bit like Lindsay Lohan right now, attempting to dispel rumors, why can't you just let her live? She is alive and well (living in my basement), and of the opinion that if she has nothing to say (or rather too much to say), she shouldn't say anything at all. However, the public is far more demanding, she has received tons (tons!) of fan mail (actual hard copies of the TLC album), questioning her blogic and strategy. Why the quick rise to fame? Did we peak too soon? Was our lack of direction the true forbearer of our demise? Why have we dissolved into nasty facebook wall comments (*cough* alisa and samantha *cough*)? What's with all the rhetorical questions? Well, I don't know who is to blame, perhaps the media, perhaps ourselves. Alas, the time for pointing fingers and crying wolf must come to an end. We must move forth or not move at all!

Well, here is a thought starter, on my plane ride home from Duetschland, they played a made for t.v. special, the premise of which was Patty Hearst giving the viewer a behind the scenes VIP tour through the Hearst Castle, San Simeon. It looks pleasant.

THE ZIMRIYAH DANCE (DANCE).



THE ZIMRIYAH SKIT (CRAP).

Okay, so for each new week, my assignment book features an “inspirational quote” to get me “pumped,” “inspired,” or, conversely, “lamed out.” The way that it normally works, is that they have a big overarching theme-word bolded, an accompanying related graphic, and obviously a quote. And you know what? Sometimes it works. But sometimes, they pull shit like have a Jimi Hendrix quote. Now, I don’t want to assume here, but come one, if Jimi knew that he was featured in an assignment book which is a basic proponent of all that The Man stands for, he would probs roll in his grave, throw up, choke on his vomit, and die again. Okay, like 4 out of the 6 people who read this blog just was like, “Morbid much?” But like, I was referencing his death; I didn’t just come up with that. HOLY CRAP I AM SO SIDETRACKED RIGHT NOW. Anyways, I would say, that the clincher sentence of this paragraph is that for the most part the quotes are pretty lame, but generally harmless.

That is, until this week (The Week of May First The Year of Our Lord 2006). The theme this week is, “Endurance” which I guess is fitting since I’ve run an average of attempting ritual suicide via chop sticks about 4 times an hour. And by that I mean junior year, based on my calculations, will never end. ever. The visual? Looks like something out of windows media player, not even itunes! What crap! I expect excellence. Right, so, so far, not terrible inspired. On a scale of one to inspired, I’m like, a “Wow that’s special.” But the quote, the quote (why do I keep repeating myself? self?) is “Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.” – Malcolm Forbes. Okay so about 3 of the 6 people who read this blog just went, “If I can’t tell wear she is going with this entry within the next 7 words, I am taking this off of my RSS feed.” The other 3 people just pulled up porn sites using their mozilla firefox tabs system. Oh technology.

My Main problem with that quote, is the basic ideology behind it, it assumes that coals aren’t happy the way they are, and that diamonds are better. Hey, Malcolm, I enjoy your fallacious knowledge, because it lets me use words like fallacious. No, wait, Malcolm, you have a good heart, and I respect that. But what I don’t respect, is your disregard for all that coal has going for it. First of all, do you know how much of the world’s energy source is based on coal? A lot. About half. I mean, compare that to how much diamonds have done. Pretty much the only thing that diamonds have done are, a) last forever and b) being a girl’s best friend. And, between you and me, diamonds have been writing some really nasty myspace blogs about how their friendship is falling apart because so-and-so slept with what’s her face’s best friends boy friend. And really I don’t know where I’m going with this. Right. well. Okay. Plus it supports the idea of changing ourselves to suit other peoples’ idea of beauty. Why should we conform and work towards the masses standards? Basically, that quote is saying, “Work for the man so that you can change everything unique about you to fit a greater vision of what’s acceptable.” In short, I have come to discover, that they are lacing our assignment books with subliminal messages that are subconsciously grooming us for the establishment and the machine.

Also, I just realized this, but like coals and diamonds are both used in grills. I think that preaches harmony and a sense of communal respect.

Oh dear friends and alumni of Patty Hearst University for Young Ladies and Middle Aged Internet Stalkers,

I have come to address the issue of announcing this week's new and equally accomplished American Hero. Now, some of you might scoff, and say, "Nay! What ho! You lie; this hasn't been a weekly feature. In fact you haven't ever done this before (obvs not the truth, I mean hello, have we completely forgotten Philly Seymour Hoffman?? I THINK NOT!) So, my friends, it’s that time again for the Patty Heart was an American Hero weekly American Hero Award for Heroic Actions. Not to be confused with the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss or conversely, the Nobel Peace Prize.



This week’s hero, by a vote of 45 to 2 to 8, is HILARY SWANK, or Swankelicious as I like to call her. While she is most notably known for her Oscar winning appearance in Million Dollar Baby as well as her heartfelt and controversial performance in Iron Jawed Angles (a thrilling piece on the proto-feminazi Alice Paul, excellent for History Classes ages 18- and Up, includes a scene involving masturbation, not recommended for kids like me who are clearly not mature enough to handle it.) But, rather, I would like to call attention to her oft forgotten roll as a conflicted but headstrong teenager in the underrated but classic film, The Next Karate Kid. A roll that inspired many teenage girls to adopt pet hawks and ad the suffix “-san” to pretty much every word (eg. Patty-san or Julie-san). A movie that practically requires by the law, the reaction of “Oh yeah, I loved that movie! Hilary Swank was in that? Shut up!” A movie that spawned thousands upon thousands of yearbook quote gems such as, “Never trust a spiritual leader who doesn’t dance.” as well as, “Ambition without knowledge is like a boat on dry land.” Ah. Classic. A movie which changed my life. I now know that despite the fact that I am a woman, I can go on to both become a ninja and get asked to prom by a senior, in that order.

You know what I think is absolutely ridiculous? (No, Rachel, please go on) I think autographs are probably like the most useless piece of crap since like the fucking student council constitution. A kind young lady was telling me today about how when she was in New York she saw Gerard fucking Way. She described a scene in which basically hoards of people were vying for autographs. Later, I thought to myself, what the hell are you going to do with a autograph? Answer: create a new source of clean energy.

Autographs don't really prove anything, people sign random shit all the time. Teachers sign hall passes, people sign checks, I sign receipts. Sometimes people sign things as *gasp* other people. Sure, it's call forgery and is rather illegal. But it's possible. All, I'm saying, is that when Gerard goes to Starbucks, buys 5 Lite Green Tea Frappacinos, pays with his credit card, signs his receipt (as is customary is most western countries) and BAM you have Cajun linguini. NO. Just kidding. I meant, BAM you have a autograph.

And do you know how many little chillins scan autographs into their computers and post them on the internet? Answer: 94565469.4 Basically, all I'm trying to say, is that autographs are easily forged. I remember, when I was in Disney Land (World), way back when I was still a naive fetus (too short to ride Space Mountain...not much has changed), I remember meeting all the famous characters. I was about three apples high (as is customary in most western countries) running around with this stupid red autograph collecting book. Needless to say, I was pretty siked. But alas, my dreams were dashed, as I noticed that the characters were not authentically signing my book, but rather stamping it. STAMPING IT. Now, okay, I forgave the Ninja Turtles, because obvs they cannot hold a pen, as they are turtles. But, I mean, Jasmine, come on! What a skank!

I think, what I'm trying to get at, is that next time you see Gerard Way, you should probs punch him in the face and steal his credit cards. Or, conversely, ask for a picture with him, because, the photograph is proof (I know you know). Additionally, if you happen to see any one of the Ninja Turtles, I would appreciate it if you called me or at least sent a txt message.

Okay, now let's not talk about this again, or the fallacies in this argument.

i think i've decided to give up matthew mcconaughey for lent. matthew mcconaughey, is not an american hero.






ALSO, PROJECT RUNWAY: WHO SAW THAT ONE COMING? I TOTS CRIED.

i challenge you to find one wrong thing about philip seymour hoffman dressed up as a drag queen. challenge!