Oh dear friends and alumni of Patty Hearst University for Young Ladies and Middle Aged Internet Stalkers,

I have come to address the issue of announcing this week's new and equally accomplished American Hero. Now, some of you might scoff, and say, "Nay! What ho! You lie; this hasn't been a weekly feature. In fact you haven't ever done this before (obvs not the truth, I mean hello, have we completely forgotten Philly Seymour Hoffman?? I THINK NOT!) So, my friends, it’s that time again for the Patty Heart was an American Hero weekly American Hero Award for Heroic Actions. Not to be confused with the MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss or conversely, the Nobel Peace Prize.



This week’s hero, by a vote of 45 to 2 to 8, is HILARY SWANK, or Swankelicious as I like to call her. While she is most notably known for her Oscar winning appearance in Million Dollar Baby as well as her heartfelt and controversial performance in Iron Jawed Angles (a thrilling piece on the proto-feminazi Alice Paul, excellent for History Classes ages 18- and Up, includes a scene involving masturbation, not recommended for kids like me who are clearly not mature enough to handle it.) But, rather, I would like to call attention to her oft forgotten roll as a conflicted but headstrong teenager in the underrated but classic film, The Next Karate Kid. A roll that inspired many teenage girls to adopt pet hawks and ad the suffix “-san” to pretty much every word (eg. Patty-san or Julie-san). A movie that practically requires by the law, the reaction of “Oh yeah, I loved that movie! Hilary Swank was in that? Shut up!” A movie that spawned thousands upon thousands of yearbook quote gems such as, “Never trust a spiritual leader who doesn’t dance.” as well as, “Ambition without knowledge is like a boat on dry land.” Ah. Classic. A movie which changed my life. I now know that despite the fact that I am a woman, I can go on to both become a ninja and get asked to prom by a senior, in that order.